Hi, welcome to the pro ana section of my website. Please note that I am not 'promoting' anorexia, I fully acknowledge that it is a mental disorder, To all those who are hoping to 'catch' anorexia, fuck off and go eat a sandwich. With that said. enjoy!
I am a 16 year old girl, 5'6.5 inches tall and I weigh 108 pounds (49kg). I have been suffering with anorexia for a year now, but have only been diagnosed recently. I have primary amenorrhea, look it up if you don't know what that is. I also have bulimic episodes - I do purge from time to time to time. In addition to this, I have also been diagnosed with depressive disorder and generalised anxiety. I am, in a way, proud of my disease - that I have enough self-control to restrain myself from eating. But sometimes, I feel trapped, scared and alone, and in those moments I truly feel out of control.
CW: 108 lbs (49kg)
LW: 97 lbs (44.4kg)
HW (Starting weight: 128 lbs (58kg)
UGW: 95 Ibs (42kg)
Ana Commandments
1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive.
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner.
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty.
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing.
8. Losing weight is good/gaining weight is bad.
9. You can never EVER be too thin.
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.
Ten Thin Laws
1.) Never admit you are skinny enough
2.) Binges should only occur at a maximum of once every six weeks and must be kept private, if you expect perfection. Purging and excessive exercise MUST follow… otherwise, thou art a failure.
3.) Never let your stomach growl. You can control it.
4.) 10 glasses of water a day, 10 sticks of gum, 10 diet sodas, and 10 cups of black coffee must be consumed on a regular basis for your perfect body’s essential needs.
5.) Wrist bones are infatuation. Ribs are sexy. Collar bones are beautiful. Hip bones are love. Back bones are submission, but the two bones that connect ankle to your foot, those are perfection.
6.) Flat stomachs are banned. concaved stomachs are the only kind acceptable.
7.) You shall fast at least 5-7 days from every month…. and exercise 7 days a week, at least 2 hours each time.
8.) You shall weigh yourself at least three times a day and hate yourself no matter what the number it is.
9.) Never give up on what you want most. Ana loves you only if you're thin.
10.) Recovery is a sin… but sins are forgiven. Remember obesity is a crime and crimes are on your permanent record FOREVER
A Letter From Ana
Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called "doctors," is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name, but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners. In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.
In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are "so mature," "intelligent," "14 going on 45," and you possess "so much potential." Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, furthermore you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.
Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when the insecurity has quietly gnawed away at your mind, and you asked them, "Do I look . . . fat?" and they answered "Oh no, of course not," you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, let's not even go there! You know that they love you, and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: Deep down inside themselves, they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy, and undeserving girl.
But I am about to change all that. I will expect you to drop your calorie intake and up your exercise. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cannot defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am with you always. I am there when you wake up in the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night, etc. You look into the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke at the fat that is there, and smile when you come across bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories, two hours exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurred together as one. I follow you throughout the day. In school, when your mind wanders I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. It's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories, and things that are safe to think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart, and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.
Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod. Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach, dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do. I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make it look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything . . . if you eat, all the control will be broken . . . do you WANT that?? To revert back to the fat COW you once were?? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect-skinned, white-teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be them. You will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image. I will show you obesity and hideousness. I will show you a sumo wrestler where in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this, because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our relationship would come crashing down.
Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not often though. You will recognize the small rebellious fiber left in your body and will venture down to the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. Your eyes will move over the food that I have kept at a safe distance from you. You will find your hands reaching out, lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in, mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box, then another, then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque, but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really have no self-control, you are going to get fat.
When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the void of the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted into your throat, and, not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is to be repeated, until you spit up blood and water and you know it is all gone. When you stand up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow, you deserve to be in pain! Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning, feeling your insides cringe. Or perhaps I just make you hurt yourself, bang your head into the wall until you receive a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want you to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out, but no one will listen. Who cares?!?!! You are deserving; you brought this upon yourself.
Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. Thoughts of anger, sadness, desperation, and loneliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with the methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now, I am your only friend, and I am the only one you need to please.
I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live, all hell will break lose. No one must find out, no one can crack this shell that I have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me, you are nothing. So do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone who tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.
Sincerely,
Ana
Tips & Tricks
- Never eat in front of anyone - go to your room and wrap up your food with lots of toilet paper
- When your family ask you want to eat, ask for sandwiches. They are easier to hide than 'real food'.
- This one is so important. Always remember to empty out your hidden food stash at the end of the day. If you leave it too long, you'll forget and it'll start to smell.
- Set times for eating. For example I eat at 11am, then 1pm, then 3pm and lastly at 5pm. I divide my calories for the day into 4 meal times.
- If you have them, take sleeping pills to wake up later. This leaves you less time to eat. I also find that when I go to sleep hungry, I have a really bad night's sleep. Pills always knock me out for a solid 8-9 hours.
- Keep yourself busy all day. Going out always prevents me from not eating, Just be sure to consume some calories before you go out, blackouts are not fun.
- Keep a planner. Since I am homeschooled, I plan out my day, things to do, calorie consumption in it, It really helps you to keep busy and avoid binges.
- Develop rules for yourself. Trust me, these will make you feel so much better. I usually make sure my curtains are exactly aligned to the centre, my brush is diagonally aligned on my dresser - I check these every 2:10 hours. I also can't have a shower unless I have been good for that day. These are only just some of them but the more rules, the better!
These are my 'safe foods' at the moment although they do change every month or so: - Jacob's Cream Cracker (35 kcal each) (I find these strangely delicious and filling)
- Yorkie Biscuits (126 kcal each) (I can have these in moderation)
- Walker baked Crisps (102 kcals)
- Alpen Apple and Sultana Bar (70 kcal) Really satisfying if you're craving something sweet)
- Easy Peel Oranges (20 kcal per orange) Healthy and filling!
- Crispbread (19 calories)
Thinspirational Movies/ Documentaries/ Books
When I feel a binge coming on, I sometimes go and watch movies and documentaries based on anorexia and bulimia. I usually go onto: http://anamiaflowermovies.weebly.com/ She has lots of great content on there, thinspiration and she has a blog. Be sure to check it out. My personal favourites are:
- Cassandra Intervention
- Amy Inte
- For The Love Of Nancy
- Starving in Suburbia (I love this one)
- Perfect Body
- The Best Little Girl In the World
- The Brief Life of Catherine: An Anorexic's Tale
- My Friend Ana
- Dana: The Eight Year Old Anorexic
- Rhodes Farm: Anorexia Clinic
- the Truth about Size Zero
- Super Skinny Me
- Super Slim Me
- Wasted Book Clip (love the books as well)
- I'm a Child Anorexic
- Perfect Illusions
- Wonderful Wonderful
As for books, I strongly recommend Wasted by Marya Hornbacher- love her. It is so well written and brutally honest. I just started reading Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson as I'v eheard a lot of good recommendations. Hopefully, I'll like it :)
So that's it for now. I will be adding stuff to this section, this is just a starting point. In the meantime, I'll be posting blog posts about my anorexia and more tip sand tricks I think of so stay tuned for that.
If you have any questions or just want to talk, you can email me at waniakhan1@googlemail.com.
"Who wants to recover? It took me years to get that tiny. I wasn't sick; I was strong"
No comments:
Post a Comment